Ideas on How to Handle Discovering a Porn Addiction

Clark Lee • December 9, 2020
A man and a woman are looking out of a window.
The holiday season is in full swing. Stores are decked out in bright holiday cheer, inviting you to buy the perfect gift this year. At the same time, the holidays can be full of triggers that ignite porn addiction behaviors. As a result, rather than finding that gift you're hoping for, you may discover your partner has a porn addiction. 

For some, the holidays bring feelings of nostalgia, hope, excitement, and happiness. For others, however, the pressure of holiday perfection can lead to disappointment and failed expectations. Likewise, many may struggle because their reality feels the opposite of what the movies portray. So, turning to a porn addiction to escape negative emotions can become more frequent during the holidays. As a result, you may have just made a discovery you didn't see coming. 

Discovering your partner's porn addiction can leave you wondering how you'll carry on this holiday season. Let's talk about how you might begin to handle the new reality you're facing. 
A man and a woman wearing face masks are standing next to each other on a sidewalk.

What is Porn Addiction? 



Porn addiction, like any addiction, forms as the brain experiences a stimulant, reacts by releasing a 'feel-good' chemical and then craves it again. Over time, cravings can become so intense that even if you don't want to act upon the thought, you do anyway. The habit continues and can become an addiction in a short amount of time. Often, with addiction, to experience the same high, use becomes more frequent. Likewise, feelings of shame, guilt, or fear can also intensify. As a result, secrets and lies increase as life becomes unmanageable without the addiction. Then, to escape those negative emotions, you turn back to your addiction. The vicious cycle repeats, again and again, damaging lives in the process.


A man and a woman are kissing on the stairs.

What can you do if you discover your spouse has a porn addiction? 

Discovering your partner's pornography use can leave you with a lot of emotions to sort through. For example, many feel a partner viewing porn is a violation of trust. Others may feel disgusted or hurt. Likewise, the discovery can be traumatic or devastating. It may be helpful for you to know you are not alone. In fact, you'll likely need as much support to get through this as your partner will to overcome his addiction. 


With the holidays upon us, you may already be feeling extra stress or sadness.


So, what can you do? Here are a few suggestions:



  1. Take a moment to process what you're feeling.
  2. Remember, this is not your fault. 
  3. Ask questions: How often? When? Where? Why? Does your partner believe it's a porn addiction? 
  4. Talk to your spouse about what pornography use means to you. For example, why does it affect you? 
  5. Come up with a plan and set boundaries or seek professional help. 

Also, remember self-care is a vital component of your physical and mental health. AddoRecovery.com's article on betrayal trauma provides some useful ideas as well. 


A man and a woman are holding hands while sitting at a table with a cup of coffee.

My spouse has a porn addiction; what now? 


Discovering a porn addiction is never an easy thing to overcome. However, with the right help and support, couples can heal. Porn addiction recovery is possible. At Sole Counseling, we help many clients and couples work through porn addiction. We may be able to help you too. Professional help could be the best gift you can give yourself this holiday season. Call us today. 


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